It happened again. There I was, trying on clothes at the Nordstrom Rack, and I found myself in tears. Now as somebody who has been overweight for as long as she can remember, this isn’t anything new. Many times I found myself crying while trying on clothes, wondering why even the largest sizes wouldn’t fit. I always knew I was on the larger side, but never thought of myself as so large I would have to shop at special stores.
Shopping for high school dances was always a nightmare. The junior’s section would carry junior’s sizes and those would never work. Although I am on the shorter side, the short dresses would always be so tight and so short that I never would have passed a fingertip test to get in to the dance. As it was, one of my most embarrassing dance experiences was when a teacher called me out on my dress being too low-cut. I never meant for that to happen, but it was what passed as fitting at the time. Why would I have wanted to wear something like that anyway? Why would I want to feel uncomfortable for an entire night of dancing? To be like everyone else. I was at a stage in my life where I was hell-bent on fitting in, no matter what that meant.
Stepping in to that dressing room the other day was so empowering. I let myself get to that size 18 and I got myself back to a size 12, a number I hadn’t seen since my freshman year of high school. I never thought I would get to a place where I could try on clothes and actually like the way I look in the mirror. I never thought I’d get to a place where I would need to retrieve a SMALLER size because the shorts I grabbed were too big. I never thought I would try on a romper and like how it looked on me (granted I didn’t actually buy it).
These small changes in my self-confidence and feelings of self-worth are changes in the right direction. These changes will lead me to a life of happiness and feeling like I can take on anything. I always wanted to be like everyone else growing up, but I realize now I just wanted to be a better version of myself. I like who I am becoming and wouldn’t change my learning experiences for anything. I definitely wouldn’t be who I am today without the struggles and successes I have felt. At times I have been pushed to my breaking point but am only made stronger because of that. I know how to find positive influences in my life and to go after my dreams as if there is no other option.
I still have a long way to go on this journey, but this small milestone, these happy tears in the dressing room, have only led me to believe I am on the right path to finding myself. I truly love this positive, independent person I am becoming, and can’t wait to see where this crazy life takes me. I hope I can help you to find your inner happiness as well. What are these small success without that? How can we continue on this path without inherently changing for ourselves? It’s only a matter of time before we fail if we’re at it for the wrong reasons.